An old Jew dies and goes to Heaven. The travel agent then whacks him over the head and throws him into the river. It wasnt. Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him. Give me a Dos Equis, por favor., The second was from Holland. He wakes up the Irishman and hands him 500.00. Mary, for Christs sake can ye be telling me whats for dinner ? Still nothing and again at 10 feet still nothing. The least I can do is ask her to dance. Here are the best Irish jokes and one liners that I know. What do you call a fella from Dundalk with 400 girlfriends? Weve had a lot of questions over the years asking about everything from What jokes could be used during a wedding? to Which are good for kids?. Irish jokes and banter are famousor infamous around the world for their dry, sarcastic style and often flat delivery. When the train came out of the tunnel, Julia Roberts and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened, and the Englishman had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped there. The Italian Lawyer. !, Paddy and Mick were having a few beers at the bar together, recounting old times when the call of nature caused them to line up at the stainless steel, still deep in conversation. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the presidents office. Oh. Jaysus Man, ya frightened the life outa us, Paddy called as he caught his breath.You scared us half to death we thought you were a ghost! Our next hilarious Irish dirty joke is about an Irish couple. It's either you're not in touch with reality or you just don't care! This time the Englishman is really mad! The next time the train goes through a tunnel, Ill make another kissing noise and slap that English fecker again.. Also please remember these are just jokes! I think youll find its perfectly pleasant and does no one any harm. Theyre for resting my balls on when Im driving, says Tiger. What do you call an Irishman with a case of chickenpox? How come you can you never borrow a few quid from a leprechaun? He parks the car and runs over to them. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question. Have a laugh with these silly Irish jokes Getty Images There is nothing the Irish like more than sitting around a cup of tea, or a pint and telling stories or a good joke. He climbed out 4 times to take a piss.. The interviewer took a piece of paper and drew six vertical lines in pairs of two on the paper and placed it in front of the Irishman. Best funeral jokes ever - Unijokes.com - 41 Funeral jokes animal asian black people blonde chemistry Chuck Norris dad dead baby desert island dirty fat gay IT jewish kids knock-knock lesbian little Johnny marriage math mexican nerd poems racist redneck sex stupid white people women Yo mama The best funeral jokes -. Theres a dance over at the club, he said. She replies: "Oh, Father, I've terrible news. "What's the bad news?" asks the patient. document.getElementById("ak_js_1").setAttribute("value",(new Date()).getTime()); This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. So why cant I walk across the water, like my father, me grandfather, and his father before him? Grandma looked deep into Seans troubled eyes, looked at him with kind, benevolent eyes and said, Because they were all born in January, and the lake was frozen over; you were born in August, ye fecking eejit! Is it the best Irish joke over?. Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I have no clue what it is! In compliance with the GDPR, We need your permission to store cookies (or similar technologies) to personalize content and ads, to provide social media features and to analyze our traffic. He thinks to himself Im about 40 feet away lets see what happens. The green man runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. Potto gold. One of the Irishmen tapped his friendon the shoulder. The priest turns to the man and asks, "What do you do for a living?". Theres one less pisshead (an Irish insult) at the wake!. What are you doing working here so late at night? Joseph called. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that, and she replied, Oh, its probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 oclock this morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Ireland. So an Irish woman gives birth to twins, a boy and a girl. Sometime later, the two men are floating down the river together, and the first man asks, Do you think theyll serve any food on this cruise? Easily offended? Father, forgive I think its been a while since Ive been to confession and to be sure I must say that the confessional box is much better than it used to be. Same address in Dublin, same doctor. Following is our collection of funny Sick Irish jokes. The man from the window company called Miss OLeary on the telephone. We hope you will find these sick irish puns funny enough to tell and . Miss OLeary, he says, you havent made a single payment on your new windows. What is funny however, is some of the madness going on in the world because of the Covid-19, the toilet paper hoarding, the stockpiling of groceries and don't forget the new Coronavirus Challenge where people lick toilet . Irish Jokes Irish jokes are famous around the globe. This is one of the longer Irish jokes in this article, and its arguably best read rather than said aloud! Wishes. The walls opened, and the lady got between them and got into a small room. Looking to be cheered up? Paddy feared his wife Mary wasnt hearing as well as she used to and thought she might need a hearing aid. So the man goes in and orders a pint of Guinness, and a gin and tonic in a cup. Paddy walked into a doctors office with two burnt ears. 10. 200, what do you say? FOR F*** SAKE PADDY FOR THE FIFTH TIME CHICKEN!!! Funny Joke About Sunday School Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. have willies. Sure, I rather have Parkinsons, replied Sean, Tis better to spill a couple of ounces of Jameson whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!. Medical science can do wonders with transplants these days, he said. How the heck does that work? A short, clean joke that gets a laugh every time A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of 3. It got too warm in the cockpit so he switched off the fan! Stop! she says to him. Back at Mother Superiors bed, she held the glass to her lips. The president was surprised and asked, What kind of bets? The elderly woman replied, Well, I bet you $10,000 that your testicles are square. The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. He wakes the Irishman up and asks, Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four? The Irishman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00 and goes back to sleep. He packed his bag that night and drove to Dublin. She replied, He went to blow out dat feckin' candle"! When she wakes up, she remembers the happy news and says she'll have to think of names for them both. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. He thought and thought of a way to get a few more Euros. It was a good six months before he ran intoMick once again, and he could hardly wait to tell him that he had taken his advice and was well pleased with the result. If not go to 30 feet away and then 20 feet and so on until you get a response. Tony, he called. Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure. The elderly woman did so with a little smile. After the fortnight is up, he goes to collect his money. Some of the greatest wits were Irish: Jonathan Swift, Oscar Wilde, Brendan Behan, George Bernard Shaw. One lad digging the holes. They didnt do it last year.. We decided put together a list of the 15 best Irish jokes of all time. No wonder you got it at half price, Mick laughed. Donovan @ A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. Some jokes can be so bad that theyre actually good. Well, replied the doctor, You only have 3 days to live. Paddy and Joseph were walking home from Mulligans Irish bar on Halloween night. 5. My friends are such fools! the old man grumbled. Micky says "You don't believe me?" They make me so angry that as soon as I finish this drink I'm punching someone." Danny is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker, Mick, is wearing an earring. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. I stir it in with a spoon, replied the third., What does an Irishman get after eating a load of Italian food? A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. Im gonna pretend Ive gone mad! He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts, Im a lightbulb, Im a lightbulb! Murphy watches in amazement. "Oh, that's OK," says the nurse. willie right off, I will! he shouts. One turns to the other and says, It was a beautiful ceremony, wasnt it?!. Here are five of the very best Irish jokes that will get the whole bar laughing! Look, David. It wasnt that great, he said. It wasnt that great, he said. I was afraid to be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was! Lash it into the comments section at the end of this article! . Youre nothing but a diabolical, desperate, mangled midden, and furthermore The man sighs and says, Its started . But Paddy could hardly ignore the fact that Mick was very well endowed. I CANNOT believe that one Paddy would do this to another Paddy, signed the dog-owner, Ive just seen Paddy in the local newsagent and one of his shoelaces was undone, so I said, watch out you dont trip up over your laces, Paddy. They are both legless 3. Dad put it in the earth and I took care of it every single day. Whats the bad news? 3)- But you HAVE to drink, you're Irish. It's an old one but certainly, doesn't disappoint. Once more, they lined up at the stainless steel and when Mick took a. peek, the worried frown which had creased his face disappeared. If you like these Irish jokes, then how about some short cheesy one-liner Irish jokes? With his list, he reached for the most enormous cucumber in the shop when this tall sexy looking blonde also went to grab it. So, what someone deems as funny Irish jokes is subjective i.e. Very well, sighed the priest .. Go and say ten Hail Marys At Mass the following day, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, Is that your final answer? asked Chris. It's important to have a good vocabulary. Sick Jokes. Sheamus drops into the local pub on the way back home from visiting the doctor. You were diddled. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. I said, what instructions, Paddy? some short cheesy one-liner Irish jokes? They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and the numbers began to light in reverse order. The famine started in 1845 and continued until 1852, which in historical terms, basically happened yesterday morning. Yes, Patrick, sure is true, responded the lawyer. No response so he moves closer 30 feet he says Mary whats for feckin dinner ?. The list goes on. Have you looked for the door? Paddy Irishman replies Well, theres one door that leads to the bathroom. F*ck this, shouted Anto as he ran out of the room. Loved the first joke, absolutely legendary!!! After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. Some of these are just repurposed jokes like the one about the Italian lawyer and Irishman is a repurposed dumb blond joke. What are you after doing? replied his wife. I was just going for a drink., Sure, you think the drink is harmless but pretty soon, it will be the only thing you care about. From silly puns to pub jests, to funeral jokes, the Irish humor has something for everyone. ", "Ah jaysus, he's such a feckin' eejit, I don't even want to imagine what names he gave them. Best Irish Jokes: Paddy Does It Again. Paddy says, yeah, its these bloody instructions. And now someone is suin dem fast food restaurants for makin dem fat an cloggin their arteries with all dem der burgers an fries, is that true? And the Irishman was thinking, This is feckin great, to be sure. They worked up along one street and then down the other. He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running, screaming in fear. The nuns gathered around her bed, trying to make her comfortable. An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. He moves closer about 20 feet. Shes worse off than me, Murphy thought. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. An Irishman went for an interview with one of the major blue chip computer companies. But this is a newsagents'. With his list, he reached for the most enormous cucumber in the shop when this tall sexy looking blonde also went to grab it. Later that day when Paddy gets home from the pub he sees Mary in the kitchen cooking dinner and he was in the hallway. "My boyfriend held my hand twice, kissed me three times and made love to me twice." "Daughter! Medical science can do wonders with transplants these days, he said. Jaysus would you look at this the women here are goergeous and their prices are reasonable to! As he does so, two tees fall from his shirt pocket onto the ground. After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip ever to the French capital), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Kerry. A pork chop. Tequila Mockingbird. Here is your money .. Yes, Patrick, sure is true, responded the lawyer. Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) March 16, 2011 A: To prevent the Irish from ruling the world! After thinking for a considerably longer time, the Irishman suddenly grabbed the pencil, drew a little blop on the bottom right-hand side of each three, and handed the paper back to the interviewer. Of course, said the president. How do they pee, then? asks the Englishman. "Alright ol' friend". So, he shouted over to the lad digging the holes, I dont get it why do you dig a hole, only for the other lad to fill it in?, The lad wiped his brow and sighed deeply, Well, I suppose it probably does looks a bit odd. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. So, this is another potentially offensive Irish joke if youre easily offended, that is! "Forgive me father for I have sinned," an Irish girl said. 50 Offensive Jokes: 1. Just give me a chance to show you what I can do, said the Irishman. Wasnt your man after telling me those windows would pay for themselves in a year? The man replies, "Well father, I ruck big men, and play with balls.". Anto and his wife were lying in bed in their house in Dublin one Saturday morning. I bet you $10,000 that my testicles are not square. Done, the elderly woman answered. Antos missus was in the Rotunda Hospital, ready to give birth to their first child. Stevie Wonder answering the iron. Haha. The diagnosis Paddy stops by the pub on the way home from the doctor. He puts on his clothes and chases behind her. The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasnt wearing any underwear. I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. Not looking up from her knitting, the wife says: Now dont be silly dear, you know that this car doesnt have cruise control. As the garda writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, Cant you please keep your mouth shut for once? The wife smiles demurely and says, You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did. As the garda makes out the second ticket for the illegal use of a radar detector unit*, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, Woman, didnt I tell you to keep your mouth shut! The garda frowns and says, And I notice that youre not wearing your seat belt, Sir. Furious and confused, he went to see his grandmother and said, Gran tis my 18th birthday. One of the questions was How do you stir sugar into your tea?. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel, and as it was an old-style train, there were no lights in the carriages, and it went completely dark. How on earth can the news get any worse. That does it, he shouted, Hunchback! ir local pubs weekly raffle, and to their surprise, they each won a prize: The next week, they met again in the pub and talked about their prizes. "I can't wait to have you inside me." 2. I was ironing and the phone rang so instead of picking up the phone I picked up the iron and put it to my ear. God agrees and the man tells the joke. Three guys - one Irish, one English, and one Scottish - are out walking along the beach together one day. 40 Of The Funniest Coronavirus Jokes To Lift Up Your Spirits During Self-Isolation (New Pics) Liucija Adomaite and. If you enjoyed this post please pin the image below to your Pinterest board or share this on social media. You cant do that, says the Irishman. "That was a nasty little habit you had!" 2. Sick Jokes. Inside the bag was the following note Sometime later, the two men are floating down the river together, and the first man asks, Do you think theyll serve any food on this cruise?, The second man says, I dont think so. Having zero potatoes would leave them without any food. "Paddy jokes" are St. Patrick's Day favorites. These ones are sure to get the whole pub laughing. The Irishman replies, Have some respect. Humor is an essential coping tool for surviving tough times. What's black and screams? 87 Coronavirus And Quarantine Jokes To Retrain Your Face To Smile. The Englishman was thinking, The Irish fella must have kissed Julia, and she missed him and slapped me instead. Julia Robert was thinking, The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it. A garda pulls over a speeding car. Related reads:See our guides to the best Irish toasts for drinks, weddings and more. Youre on my side!, Paddy Irishman checks into a hotel for the first time in his life and goes up to his room. Here, you'll find everything from hike and drive guides to funky places to stay and more! Was I definitely meant to shove them up my arse?'. 1. After hearing another Irish joke, Paddy said, "I'm sick of all of the Irish stereotypes. Paddy says, Sure, everyone is probably watching the band.. Best Irish Joke #1. He walked across the crowded dance floor and approached the girl. Boy, that leprechaun sure is an ugly little bastard! he says. Whats so special about him? asks Mary. A man is walking down the street in Dublin when he sees a sign in the window of a travel agency that says cruises on Liffey River $100. New man: I have to check, dont I? Two weeks later, the doctor walks down the street and sees the patients wife. Hello Mrs Murphy, he says, hows your husband?. Have you ever actually had a drink yourself?, Well of course I havent, what a ridiculous question., Then you dont know what youre talking about., I dont need to taste the demon drink to know that its evil!, Look, how about this - I will buy you a drink. Paddy and Murphy are on holiday in Santa Ponsa and are running out of money when they see a sign that reads: Spend 10 minutes in a room with a million flies and ear 2000. I say, tis a remarkable dong you have there, Paddy was prompted to remark. Thats my old one!, Paddy went to his local supermarket after a lunchtime session to do some shopping. Irish jokes are famous across the world, some good and some bad. Score: 32. None He fell. Fifteen minutes later, he says, Get me another before it starts. She looks cross but fetches another Guinness and slams it down next to him. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. A large Canadian lumber company advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. Tombstone engraving: I TOLD you I was sick. Tell me, do you have insurance?. Sure youre on the other side, replied the second. Sick Jokes. the Irishman. If you open space up for me, I swear I'll give up drinking my whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday." To this day, he has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.. Fr. An answered prayer 4. 9. So when Seans 18th birthday arrived, he and his friend Mick took a boat, rowed out to the middle of the lake, and Sean stepped out of the boat. The Irishman reaches in, picks the fly out, holds it up close to his face and shouts, Spit it out you little bastard.. Ben walked into the local bar all a fluster and ordered seven shots of Irish whiskey and a pint of Smwithicks. Share to Reddit. The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: The interviewer returned the paper to the Irishman and asked him to make it 99. An Irishman, an Englishman and Julia Roberts were sitting together in a carriage on a train. Heres one for you Whats Irish and sits outside all day and night? Its a cuckoo., Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, Ill go with cuckoo as my answer.. Where do you think youre going? asks the foreman. He says "uno, dos." poof. Father, forgive I think its been a while since Ive been to confession and to be sure I must say that the confessional box is much better than it used to be. New category: The Delightful List of Jokes. When the interview was over, the interviewer told him that all applicants had to complete a test. you're going to laugh your socks off with these funny medical jokes. I am sorry to do this, but I need the money .., Leave 500 euros in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park in 2 hours time, Signed, Paddy from Cork.. But today the lad who plants the trees phoned in sick.'. Hello. As hes drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the other, an Englishman down the bar who has had too many drinks says, Hey, whats that little green thing down there? Holocaust Joke. The priest turned to the Altar boy and whispered, Is That Fanny Green ?, The bug-eyed altar boy couldnt believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,. The eyes of every man in the Church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Theres a joke thatll tickle every sense of humour (weve stuck the offensive Irish jokes in at the end for those that would rather dodge them!). 19 Jokes About Getting Sick That'll Make You Laugh Then Cry "being sick is like taking a day off but in a dead persons body" by Anthony Rivas BuzzFeed News Reporter 1. A little trip-up 6. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. Marty he sighed, Why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he replies with another question?, Bollocks. His life insurance 4. To get started with the Irish jig, follow these steps: 1) Serve people a lot of alcohol and. We've rounded up 100 St. Patrick's Day funny puns that'll make everyone looking at your Instagram and Facebook pics think, "Irish I would have thought of that caption!" A farmer!. FOR F*** SAKE PADDY FOR THE FIFTH TIME CHICKEN!!! #19 - 10. ( The average I.Q in USA went up by 50% ), @ Babs L This is one of the many Irish stereotype jokes thats flying around, but unlike many it isnt exactly offensive. Who's there? Whats the story? Paddy asks when he sees the look on Sheamuss face. - Kiss Me And I'll Leprecut You - Irish You Wouldn't - Touch Me And Get Shamwrecked sloane (spihkopiyess) (@cottoncandaddy) March 16, 2018 I'm the Mystery Reader for my son's class today. From down stairs Paddy could be heard "WHAT'S THE USE OF FOOKIN ONE?". #9 - 1. 30 funny Scottish jokes: the most hilarious one-liners, puns and gags about Scotland From Frankie Boyle to Billy Connolly, Scotland isn't short of comic jokesmiths - here are thirty funny jokes. Mary, for Christs sake can ye be telling me whats for dinner ?. There was a traffic cop manning the crossing. Ms Murphy. In case he got a hole in. Learn how your comment data is processed. I havent got a clue. said Mick, So Ill use the last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin My husband passed away last night.". Booger 17 Hospital 6 Medicine 3 Sickness 21 Sneeze 17. what I think is gas, you might think is crap. 2) Make sure that you have locked the bathroom door. The Scot reaches in and plucks the fly out. Wasnt always that way, replied Mick. Theres a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby. Ilona Balinait. Confused, the Forman asked, dont you mean the Sahara Desert?, A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, Get me a Guinness before it starts. The wife sighs and gets him a Guinness. God. Could you please show me a clever way to make this into nine?. Paddy and Mick are walking down the road and Paddy's got a bag of doughnuts in his hand. Cant just take your word for it. He says, "Glory be to God, isn't wonderful to see all the youngins. The next week, they met again in the pub and talked about their prizes. I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel chipping away at one of the headstones. Father, it has been two months since my last confession. ; Performance management Build highperforming teams with performance reviews, feedback, goaltracking & 1on1s delivered in the flow of work. He went with you to the beer factory." Paddy shook his head. I will, says the friend. Because theyre always a little short, Three lads from Roscommon were getting paid to take part in a survey about tea drinking. The new man is hired at a building site. Score: 20. Wasnt always that way, replied Mick. To Declan &. Declan extolled the pleasures of his smooth Irish whisky, while Mick reported that the turkey was the most delicious he had ever tasted. So the doctor gives the man the tablets, and the patient asks, Do I have to take them every day? No, replies the doctor, take one on a Monday, skip the Tuesday, take one on Wednesday, skip the Thursday and go on like that. Some are good while some leave a sour taste on the mouth. Heres what you do said the doctor, stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. 1. Allie Hogan via Unsplash. Sure youd be arrested for less!'. Youve got me, she giggled, Do you fancy coming back to mine and watching? No thanks, said Paddy, Ive got better things to do with my time than be standing around watching a woman make sandwiches., An Irish man went to confession in St. Patricks Catholic Church Get your weekly dose of Irish straight to your inbox every Friday. Thats good says Paddy. Leprechauns dont . The Irish sense. A week later the lad comes back. Enjoy! In a normal tone, he asks Mary whats for dinner my lovely? No response so he moves closer 30 feet he says Mary whats for feckin dinner ?. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. Oh yeah, I bet I know now why you want the biggest one, he winked. Well, I was thinkin. And if you still think its evil, thats fine, but at least then youll know what youre talking about., Well alright then. Lash it into the comments section at the end of this article! They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork. . Kelly is back and sees Mrs. O'Brien with 3 little ones walkin' and twins in a pram. So Paddy leaves the site. New man: I didnt tell you this, but I took a bet with every man on the site Id have your arse on a trowel today! Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at Collins again, and says, I just screwed your mum, and it was grand!, Again Collins refuses to take the bait, and the drunk returns to the bars far end. "Your brother was here and he's already named them. They didnt do it last year.. Skids. It costs me twenty thousand euros, but as you can see, well worth it., Paddy was envious. Potto. And on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments. After over an hour of searching, he finally gives up. Is there something the matter? Bristling with annoyance, Miss OLeary replies. . Ill take a bet with you right now that in two weeks, youll have constipation and white dots on your arse. I got this done in Dublin. You are always pretending to be a Transformer!" The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: But that is not 100!. Getting directions 3. Youve done very well so far, said Chris Tarrant, the shows presenter, but for a million euros, youve only got one lifeline left, phone a friend. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick." Thinking that he had been ripped off, he asked Paddy if he could have a look. When she answered the door, Pat Glynn, her husbands manager at the brewery, was stood on the doorstep.
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